How Justin Beat Severe Clinical Depression

I’ve really been back from the brink, suffering Unemployment” target=”_blank”>long term unemployment and severe clinical anxiety and depression. for most of my life the worst period by far was between years 2004-2006. Since then my life has been simply a joy with nearly no residual of depression lingering on. I live a pure and joyous life and thanks to these range of websites have been able to help hundreds, if not thousands across the world make powerful recoveries and realisations about themselves. And now I want to put some serious content to this site which hopes to continue to help others, like how I was about 6 years ago, to grow and establish a greater sense of hope and purpose in their life.

You know what there are so MANY resources out there for depression. The self-help movement is ridiculous. Just to make it crystal clear I am so not into self-help. I treat a majority of self-help gurus with the utmost suspicion and caution. I believe in the healing power of genuine and personal testimony. I believe people are smart and sensitive enough to decipher the truth when it’s told from the cacophony of saturated content,   Yet when I really healed with was in the context of true and genuine relationships with others, and learning how to become a ordinary person,  not in a commercial transition or some ephemeral ‘lovy-dovy’ relationship with some book giving me ‘seven keys to success’. One thing which was such a learning experience is that I was healed not by ‘strong successful people’ who tried to secret handshake me into some exclusive club. But healed by other broken people who genuinely understood my predicament and legitimately wanted to help me.

My recovery, as I will explain was so contingent on hearing testimony of others, it really was an exercise of faith as became to believe I could and would get better if I surrounded myself with people who believed, supported and affirmed me loved me enough to challenge my harmful, destructive and inveterate patterns of thinking and acting which were fueling the fire of my depression.

But there is a point. I’m going to take you through a journey and I sincerely pray a depressed person scouring the net for answers, searching for hope and understanding comes across.

By the way I love receiving e-mails from around the world I don’t like it when people are in deep distressing psychical or psychological pain, it really pains me to see it. if I can do my small bit to help and inspire hope, faith and a belief that they will indeed get better than I truly am a happy man, seriously nothing makes me more happy than this.

 

 

 

Justin talks about how difficult it was to cope with a chronic pain condition and depression at the same time

 

 

When I first got diagnosed with depression I thought back over my life…and an important realization was made. I has experienced depression for years without recognizing it for what it was. I suffered mostly in silence, hiding layers guilt and shame as I battled through life, trudging more like it trying to stay on top of things, in control.

Ok I was born in Sydney to two loving parents, grew up with a younger brother who now towers over me in height, which is quite amazing considering I’m one tall chap myself. I grew up a shy child, generally withdrawn from others and prone to doing quiet reflections, spending time in books and alone. Feeling sometimes quiet alone and cut off from others.Growing up at that time my parent’s were not in the best space either, their relationship appeared quite detached to me, I remember them fighting in front of me and being quite intimidated and scared many times not knowing how and when tension in their relationship would manifest and why it was doing so in the first place.

Can I just stop here quickly to let you know that I am not in any way going to use this website to bag my parents. People who solely blame their parents for all their problems normally struggle to grow, I love my parents a lot and our relationship now has never been better. I am truly grateful for their loving care throughout the years, one of the reason we have built such a successful relationship nowadays is the ability to reflect on how our family unit has changed for the better and how we have all worked through our own problems and difficulties and become much more of a cohesive and tight unit.

Throughout most of my childhood Mum was also a practicing alcoholic whose anxiety and uncertainty I absorbed consciously and unconsciously, my Dad generally was very work-oriented who has a serious temper and was prone to excessively  brooding in cold  silence. So on the one hand  I was absorbing the anxiety from my  Mum and generally was frightened  and apprehensive of my Dad emotions which were liable to be volatile. At this age around 4-6 I really couldn’t talk to anyone else about these fears and uncertainties that began to plague and torment my mind.

Sinking into fantasy

Entering school I noticed that I became uncomfortable in social setting, paranoid about not fitting in and not feeling comfortable with others. I started to become increasingly attracted to spending a lot of time in fantasy, reading tonnes of comics, fiction books and delving into my mind as I either pictures myself in these worlds of fantasy. Growing up in high school movies began to take a serious interest, I loved to immerse myself in fiction. In terms of school work I struggled to pay attention in class, being easily distracted by my mind which would again daydream excessively. I also struggled to understand concepts and material, being to afraid and frightened to reach out for help and too anxious to speak up and admit I didn’t understand anything. Being too afraid of what other people would think of me. Patterns on entrenched thoughts, feelings and behaviors were taking shape. I became also fearful at night, become convinced people were going to break into my house and murder me. I stayed up most night as a self-imposed watchman, guarding and watching out for terrorists of the night, guarding for myself. Not trusting in my parents and believing the world was a dark place full of uncertainty and shadows of the night. I was also to be aware of increasing nightmares during night and occasional bed wetting which went well past the due by date. These all made me very wary of my body and again very frightened that certain forces were beyond me control pulling me here and there at whim.

At school I was performing badly, I had given up and settled for mediocrity. I started to really believe the idea that I was just very ordinary and not intelligent at all. Choosing to spend time in fantasy excessively I struggled to comprehend information and struggled to articulate my ideas. Many school papers noted problems of expression and articulation.

I struggled to make friends and build enriching and positive relationships. Often I found making friends just hard. I didn’t know how to fit in, I started really becoming uncomfortable in my own skin.

Internally I was fighting the world. I suffered some bullying in high school too. What can I say sometimes kids can be cruel, I also bullied other people when I got the chance too, the weaker ones, but I didn’t too this too often. I knew from a young age that I had a caring, compassionate heart but I just couldn’t let it out, I had too bury it under layers of protection. Not being able to form friendships came from trust issues, if I couldn’t trust my parents, how my body reacted to things or myself how could I begin to trust in others. I viewed others as more stronger than myself, more together, more in control, with more composure. They had legitimate lives whereas mine wasn’t. During high school I really became convinced people’s internal state was akin to the image they were presenting to the world.

Drawn to stronger personalities

So I became drawn into doing things to give me more status and seemingly powerful. I became more and more attracted to stronger personalities, copying seemingly strong and powerful people to make friends or to better relationships. None of this was the true me, most of it was motivated by good intentions by a painful inability to be myself or be comfortable with others.

I went into university plagued with self doubt, everything started to become more and more of a struggle. When university finished I thought it would be freedom, unshackled from the structure and routine of school. So, often in vain and feeble ways, I tried to fit in, I also got into drinking, not hardcore because I always had a very weak stomach and was always quite the anxious type so alcohol and my stomach didn’t always shake hands too well, with my stomach normally winning at the end of the day, or night. I did form some good relationships, some with people who are still my closest friends.

I continued to amble in life, with no clear sense of direction or purpose, getting up in the morning became harder and harder, in fact the more I lived a life crippled with doubt, fear and incessant worry I became worn down, everything took effort, and more effort, yet other people seemingly breezed through these situations easily. I became more and more disenchanted, these sings just confirmed my suspicion that indeed there was something seriously wrong with me.

I began to hate and fear social situations. Just the sound of a crowd or party would send me deep into fear territory. As my depression deepened so did my anxiety. I frequently had panic attacks and breathing difficulty.

This notion became more and more entrenched as time goes on. I aimed to try and do something what I loved writing and shape a career out of journalism. I also did some work in.

But it was hard. I had erected a mask just to keep me going. It was not that I was strategically or manipulating situations for self-gain. If anything it was just to show that I was not defeated by life. I thought no one would really understand or know really what I was going through and even if they did they would ultimately reject me. I felt ugly inside and out.

My language also began to condemn be loudly. It was almost as if there was an accuser inside me tormenting me and calling me a failure. At work I used to go into the toilet frequently and hid, frequently chastising myself.

What were my university marks like? Average. Just like school. I always knew there was latent  talent wanting to come out, but I sabotaged everything I wouldn’t study, would not put in legitimate hard work, I became really uncomfortable in social setting, including classrooms, all different environments appeared to reinforce my ‘aloneness,’ aloofness, disconnectedness. I just couldn’t pay attention and learn and most times of conscious thought was devoted to how self-conscious and perennially uncomfortable I felt in my own skin and talking with

Sinking into deep depression

My posture worsened accordingly. The mind may try many techniques to hid the emotional and psychological pain my psyche was experiencing, but it was beginning to be manifested through the body. Dull aches and pains continued to grow and my growing awareness of them continued to heighten and become enveloping and obsessive.

I didn’t know what I wanted to do work wise so I floated through some sales roles without much direction and purpose. I generally was slipping mentally. I found it harder and harder to wake up in the morning, it was as if I became more and more leaden, weighed down and oppressed by my own harshness against myself and the growing difficulty of everyday life, everything just seemed to challenging and daunting. Added to this I continues to judge other people on appearances, everyone else looked so together, so composed, so ‘with-it’.

The onset of depressive symptoms becoming alarmingly apparent was triggered by a relationship breakdown. I was in a four year relationship which dissolved. This coincided with a resurgence of Repetitive Strain Injury symptoms which came about as a result of chronic negligence of my body and compounding ‘psych ache’ from depression coming together. (How I Beat RSI). I entered into unemployment and then tried to focus on getting physically better.

So I tried and tried, believing most of the problems were bound by physical distress. Really knowing nothing about the emotional maelstrom which was producing the pain and conflict within. I tried and tried but not to avail. Everything began to seem hopeless, I got fed up with making promises and resolutions to myself. The world started to become a bleak place, even previous and dear things to me, such as classical and film music, lost their appeal and power, a numbness began to set in and overwhelm and dominate my emotional system and processing.

Anxiety grew and depression grew and I was growing into a state of constant fear and malaise punctuated by daily panic attacks, repetitive thoughts and over analysis. My chronic pain condition gave me ammunition for my mind to be constantly going an fretting about something. In many ways it gave me a cause, something to latch on to, something my own. The physical pain became an externalization of my inner, inward, psychic pain. In that sense it was comforting, finally something I could see and show others. The pain was definitely uncomfortable, but the fact that it was somehow definite was comforting. The pain being located in the unconscious a dark, chaotic disorganised space where direct control is impossible is a lot more disconcerting.

I spent a year or to trying to get to the problem of the chronic pain. I had x-rays, CT Scans, MRI’s, blood tests, saw massage therapist, chiropractors, physiotherapists, herbalists, Rolfers, acupuncturists, dieticians, Alexander Technique specialists, Pilates instructors, all to little or no effect, I couldn’t get to the root of the problem. See How I Beat RSI for the complete and more thorough breakdown.

For many years I resisted the fact the problem was in my mind. There was such a natural instinct to resist this idea. I knew I was not ‘insane’ and that I was able to think and reasons to a certain degree. Whilst I  thought that, how wrong I was. For many years, systematically I disguised the unhealthy nature of my thinking and my behaviour, to get better meant directly confronting some maladjusted and harmful ways of thinking and acting.

The change

This awareness began when I first started psychotherapy in 2004. By then I had been unemployed for a year and a half, had mounting debts, was in chronic pain and felt cripplingly ashamed and low and sometimes suicidal. In psychotherapy I began to look back to my childhood, how I tended to absorb a lot of stress and anxiety, how I tended to feel that the world was an inherently unstable and unpredictable place and how I tended to guard and shield myself from pain where possible, the instinct to not put myself in further pain led me to make decisions about how I engage with relationships. To be honest these few weeks of psychotherapy were excruciatingly difficult, I felt old emotional pains surge forward into my mind, I felt terrified and really believed my mind was caving in. At one point at home I was curling up on the bed in foetal positions completely crippled and paralyzed by severe fear and anxiety.

I didn’t continue with psychotherapy. From the psychotherapist’s perspective I was engaging in ‘resistance’ and didn’t want to experience further emotional pain. From my perspective I felt slightly uncomfortable paying someone nearly $300 Australian dollars per week to sit there and mostly listen to me rant and rave oscillating between genuine heartfelt reflections and slightly neurotic babbling. There was the additional problem of not being able to sleep. I was suffering from protracted sleep disturbance, often awaking early in the morning after only sleeping 2-3 hours, this was going on for months and I really was sick of not being able to sleep (just another thing, on top of the pain, to worry about).

So goodbye psychologist and hello psychiatry. I started seeing an awesome psychiatrist in Sydney city. He’s name made me sound like an tasty Italian cuisine. He was really good. He started me on Avanza which I was to take for the next year and a bit. It kicked in quickly and with remarkable results. I was able to sleep and sleep properly. The first few nights I slept for 10-12 hours and began to settle back into much healthier sleeping patterns. The psychiatrist also offered weekly psychotherapy for 6 weeks. Again like psychotherapy this was difficult but extremely rewarding. I was learning that at a young age I began to incorrectly take responsibility for my parent’s problems. I thoughts there was something inherently wrong with me which was causing friction between them. I didn’t have the maturity or the knowledge to separate their own issues with mine. Looking at others kids parents and other families who appeared to function so normally I felt that I was bad, and something was wrong with me. This deep-seated belief launched me on a trajectory that was to culminate in severe and chronic depression which became ultimately manifest when my body broke down during my RSI episode. The chronic pain condition became the catalyst for me to admit there was a problem and seek professional treatment for the problem. I started to get better, to really heal. This involved a lot of real genuine tears and reaching out to those I most loved instead of blocking them out. It wasn’t easy but I don’t think any real growth is, to be perfectly honest. A great part of my healing was greatly facilitated by two things: joining a mutual support group and my conversion into Christianity and my decision to become a follower of Jesus Christ.

Mutual support and faith working together

I found a GROW group in the hope I could connect with people with a similar physical pain condition. GROW is a 12-step program designed for people with mental health issues. I initially went to the group to find some comfort in people who had been diagnosed with chronic pain. What I found there was genuine friendship and a spirit of genuine community. I discovered an amazing group and sense of friendship and unity. I learned a lot from older people in the group who had battled severe depression for many years, often resulting in hospital admissions and ECT treatments. The GROW program is a CBT based booklet designed to correct unhealthy thoughts and helped me form a link between thoughts, behaviors and feelings. It all made so much sense, i felt for the first time I was getting an ‘education proper’, really learning about real life and how to respond and manage it without it managing me. I was learning to love life again, and integral to this love was the acknowledgment of the importance of relationships and friendships. I  the meaning of genuine friendship in grow and realised that to have a friend meant to be a friend. This may seem so trivial or so straightforward, but for a lonely person with me who struggled making and keeping friends, this was a valuable lesson learned.

But I wasn’t without friends at all, or loving family support. and I want to stop now to acknowledge the friendship of my family, James, Bede, Cristian. These were all really close friends who always loved and believed in me, even through dark times and I’m still really good friends with all of them today.

Throughout me healing and harmonization in the support group I also experienced a strong and profound conversion to the Christian faith and made Jesus Christ my Lord and Saviour. I grew up a nominal Catholic, went to a Jesuit school but very much drifted from God’s comfort and word during my life. I think I really discovered faith in GROW when I realised that the Spirit of Jesus is really on the broken and the marginalised. I became to realise that I indeed was a beloved child of God and that God looks into the heart of a person and not outward signs of success or power. And that know one knows me better than God, He formed and created me, and loves me unconditionally just as I am and not as I should be.  Jesus also healed my heart deeply, a heart which was strong but calloused badly and broken. I really learnt that the Christian faith is so centered around healing and being healed, on all levels, spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially, because Jesus paid the price for us. This was imparting a strong feeling of joy in me. I was surprised and amazed by God’s grace, and I still am, see How I Met God for more direct Christian testimonies.

These websites are designed to impart healing and hope, not designed to ram down religion down your windpipe.

A changed man

So many exciting things have happened for me during the past 5 years, marriage being of the top things. I’ve been employed full time since 2005, I’ve made lots of quality friendships but most importantly I can truly love myself know, I feel comfortable in my own skin and enjoy my own presence and company. This is true liberation. In many ways I’m a simple man, being properly connected to my wife, family, friends and God is all I need, everything on top is gain. My life now is quite beautiful. I still have sad days, no one is immune from them, days where i feel like I’m not going anywhere, but   and a big BUT, underneath it all there’s a radiant path which is climbing higher and highly, slowly leading me to greater place, slowly leading me home.

Connect with Justin

 

 

 

 

 

Related articles

• How Graeme beat chronic melancholic depression and suicide (howibeatdepression.com)
• Understanding Depression (brighthub.com)
• Natural Depression Treatments (webmd.com)